One of the things I will miss the most about the Etgar flat is this chair. Simple, comfy, and worn-in, it's the best place to sit.
I am going to miss Jerusalem. From the Jerusalem stone to the Old City to Ben Yehuda to Taglit tourists to the ultra-religious to knowing all the bus lines and where to stand on the tram.
How can you tell me to clean the living room when you haven't cleaned up your activity that is still all over the floor of the living room?
Why are some people such good people? Why can't there more of those people in my life? The most selfless, caring people, and they all seem to skirt around the edges of my life.
I recognize your new shorts, you notice my new sweater, I mention your new shirt. I know the lsat day you shaved your face. I know the latest injury and how it's healing. We've spoken about life and ideology and the future and the past and the present. So why do I feel like I don't know you?
The last time you showered I was there, you showed me your last text, I know how you take your tea and your coffee. I know the pattern of how you walk and exactly the way it clashes with mine, so much and so often that we don't even bother apologizing anymore. So why are we going to say good-bye in just a few days?
The people here are so close and yet so unconnected in the most singular way. We know such intimate details about our lives, and yet sometimes we feel like strangers.
If I can make the mental step to actively apply everything we learn to a different situation and context than the one we're being taught in to something relevant to me, then why can't you?
And why do you have to interrupt class time and insult the teacher to do it?
Last night every piece of clothing I own here was on my bed and it was too late and my roommates were already sleeping so I couldn't put them away, so I just slept on top of them and chose a few soft items to be my blanket.
The more I spend money on food, the more I do the two things I want to stop doing: spending unnecessary money and eating unnecessary food.
There are aspects of me that changed that I wish hadn't.
When I get up and go to bed, who will say good night to me? Does it matter? Why?
How is my hair possibly this soft? And, on that note, did I really leave my hairbrush in the Golan Heights?
Somethings I wish I worked harder to change but didn't.
Why am I so uncomfortable in the comfy chair?
How can you be so nice to me one day but so mean the next?
How do you justify the extreme level of hypocrisy you are?
Why won't they share the Kraft Macaroni and Cheese?
Will I ever achieve the things I want to achieve? Will I ever figure out exactly what it is that I want to achieve? How? When? What if it's too late?
Some of the best conversations I've had leave me feeling unsatisfied after. Some of the least satisfying conversations I've had were the best.
Sometimes you need to put on a movement top and go to a protest. Sometimes you need to play on a playground. Sometime you need to cry in your room because you have nothing to wear. Sometimes you need to readjust your life based on one night. Sometimes you need to order chocolate. Sometimes you need to justify that chocolate by walking too fast. Sometimes you need to put on somebody else's pajama pants and an old stained top and rub the make-up out from under your eyes.
All the time, you need to not care what people are judging about you during any of that.
Sometimes the money for the activity is not for the activity, but for the time you spend with the people you go with.
Every once in a while, your home is not your home and your room is not you room and your kitchen is not your kitchen.
When everything is going wrong, it's okay to let a friend fix it for you.
If you are unhappy in a situation, get yourself out of the situation or change it.
I had pizza, ice cream, scones (a lot), cucumber sandwiches, and a hot chocolate drink today.
When you're waiting for something to happen and it doesn't, it's okay to be disappointed, but it doesn't actually help anything.
When they say goodnight and you're absolutely right when you guessed who would say it and who wouldn't. Is it a victory or is it just sad?
Going to sleep knowing you have to wake up tomorrow and deal with all of these aspects of life, and so many more new ones. How is there enough time, energy, or support in the world to figure any of this out? Are we meant to? Can we just try and hope for the best?
That's the biggest struggle. The biggest challenge. Waking up with a smile on your face and jumping into these questions. But somedays they don't matter, and somedays there are no questions. It's all about how you choose to perceive life.
In the simplest context, glass half empty: lots and lots of questions; glass half full: no questions and a simple, happy life. Walk into life with a glass half full perspective, and everything should be better. The questions are still there, they never go away. But they might matter less or be overshadowed by something better.
That, however, requires a good amount of sleep. And in order to get that, I need to go to bed earlier than 2 am every so often.
I am going to miss Jerusalem. From the Jerusalem stone to the Old City to Ben Yehuda to Taglit tourists to the ultra-religious to knowing all the bus lines and where to stand on the tram.
How can you tell me to clean the living room when you haven't cleaned up your activity that is still all over the floor of the living room?
Why are some people such good people? Why can't there more of those people in my life? The most selfless, caring people, and they all seem to skirt around the edges of my life.
I recognize your new shorts, you notice my new sweater, I mention your new shirt. I know the lsat day you shaved your face. I know the latest injury and how it's healing. We've spoken about life and ideology and the future and the past and the present. So why do I feel like I don't know you?
The last time you showered I was there, you showed me your last text, I know how you take your tea and your coffee. I know the pattern of how you walk and exactly the way it clashes with mine, so much and so often that we don't even bother apologizing anymore. So why are we going to say good-bye in just a few days?
The people here are so close and yet so unconnected in the most singular way. We know such intimate details about our lives, and yet sometimes we feel like strangers.
If I can make the mental step to actively apply everything we learn to a different situation and context than the one we're being taught in to something relevant to me, then why can't you?
And why do you have to interrupt class time and insult the teacher to do it?
Last night every piece of clothing I own here was on my bed and it was too late and my roommates were already sleeping so I couldn't put them away, so I just slept on top of them and chose a few soft items to be my blanket.
The more I spend money on food, the more I do the two things I want to stop doing: spending unnecessary money and eating unnecessary food.
There are aspects of me that changed that I wish hadn't.
When I get up and go to bed, who will say good night to me? Does it matter? Why?
How is my hair possibly this soft? And, on that note, did I really leave my hairbrush in the Golan Heights?
Somethings I wish I worked harder to change but didn't.
Why am I so uncomfortable in the comfy chair?
How can you be so nice to me one day but so mean the next?
How do you justify the extreme level of hypocrisy you are?
Why won't they share the Kraft Macaroni and Cheese?
Will I ever achieve the things I want to achieve? Will I ever figure out exactly what it is that I want to achieve? How? When? What if it's too late?
Some of the best conversations I've had leave me feeling unsatisfied after. Some of the least satisfying conversations I've had were the best.
Sometimes you need to put on a movement top and go to a protest. Sometimes you need to play on a playground. Sometime you need to cry in your room because you have nothing to wear. Sometimes you need to readjust your life based on one night. Sometimes you need to order chocolate. Sometimes you need to justify that chocolate by walking too fast. Sometimes you need to put on somebody else's pajama pants and an old stained top and rub the make-up out from under your eyes.
All the time, you need to not care what people are judging about you during any of that.
Sometimes the money for the activity is not for the activity, but for the time you spend with the people you go with.
Every once in a while, your home is not your home and your room is not you room and your kitchen is not your kitchen.
When everything is going wrong, it's okay to let a friend fix it for you.
If you are unhappy in a situation, get yourself out of the situation or change it.
I had pizza, ice cream, scones (a lot), cucumber sandwiches, and a hot chocolate drink today.
When you're waiting for something to happen and it doesn't, it's okay to be disappointed, but it doesn't actually help anything.
When they say goodnight and you're absolutely right when you guessed who would say it and who wouldn't. Is it a victory or is it just sad?
Going to sleep knowing you have to wake up tomorrow and deal with all of these aspects of life, and so many more new ones. How is there enough time, energy, or support in the world to figure any of this out? Are we meant to? Can we just try and hope for the best?
That's the biggest struggle. The biggest challenge. Waking up with a smile on your face and jumping into these questions. But somedays they don't matter, and somedays there are no questions. It's all about how you choose to perceive life.
In the simplest context, glass half empty: lots and lots of questions; glass half full: no questions and a simple, happy life. Walk into life with a glass half full perspective, and everything should be better. The questions are still there, they never go away. But they might matter less or be overshadowed by something better.
That, however, requires a good amount of sleep. And in order to get that, I need to go to bed earlier than 2 am every so often.
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